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On (and Off) the Road Again
(Bob, Dot, and the assortment of other people are standing by Bob's Car. Wow. What an opening. Anyway, let's go to them before this color commentary gets to colorful)
Bob: So, Dot, you want to visit your grandparents? I thought they were deleted in the-
(Dot begins to cry dramatically)
Dot: Don't remind me.
Bob: Oh, I'm sorry.
(Dot punches Bob)
Dot: *angry tone* And don't make me feel better! *cheerful tone* Well, my parents died, but not my grandpop and grandma! Nope, they live in another system.
Matrix: So, sis, we're going to drive to another system? In Bob's Car? Isn't that out of service?
Bob: *groaning from down below* I got the interrociter fixed...
(Dot kicks him. He groans some more)
Dot: You be quiet. Now we just have to wait for the others.
Matrix: Why are you dragging everyone else along?
Dot: Point of the story. Don't ask me. Ask the author.
(Cut to a den in a big mansion, with wooden paneled walls and a crackling fireplace. A big armchair is up by the fireplace, and we can see a hand writing something on paper. We pan out, and we see there is a big pile of wadded up papers right next to the armchair)
Mystery Person: Ooo... this just won't do...
(The person crumples up the paper and throws it to the rest)
Mysterious Voice: NO, THAT ISN'T THE AUTHOR.
(Cut to a small room. The walls have white paint on them. A teenager with glasses sits at a computer, typing, "...sits at a computer, typing, '...sits at a computer, typing,'" etc. etc. He sits in one of those rolling office chairs that are cool)
Author: Well, you see, Dot, I figured a small paradigm shift would cause a transfluxtion of the calcium chloride in the paramecium. Therefore, by manipulating the deoxyribonucleicacid, I could-
(Cut back to Dot, who is staring with that, "EXCUSE ME?" look)
Dot: Could you say that in NORMAL terms?
(Cut to author)
Author: Um.... okay, I'm just going to write you out. *types*
(Mainframe. A big Portal opens just behind Dot, and a web creature tentacle/arm/thing snags Dot and pulls her in)
Dot: ALL RIGHT! I GIVE IN! I'll just say it's part of a plan to destroy Daemon.
(Author)
Author: All right. *types some more*
(Mainframe. The portal and the web creature mysteriously dissappear)
Dot: *dusting herself off* Much better. Ahem... now, to wait for everyone else.
Bob: *nervously* Um.... Dot....
Matrix: Here, I'll say it. Dot? They're already here.
Dot: What? *she turns around*
(Everyone important is right behind her. Mouse, Ray, Phong, AndrAIa, Little Enzo, Frisket, Mike the TV, Hexadecimal, Mr. Pearson, that Touge binome, Al's Waiter, Al (offscreen), Feathers McGraw, Cecil, Gavin, Hack, Slash, and many, many others)
Dot: Um.... everyone but Mouse, Ray, Phong, AndrAIa, Enzo, Frisket, Mike, and Hex please leave.
(Everyone else goes, "Awwwwww...." and leave except Hack and Slash)
Hack: We want to go with you!
Slash: Me too!
Dot: Um.... fine.
Bob: Dot? How are we all going to fit in my little car?
Dot: I rented a mini-van from Ted's Mini-Mart O' Mini-Vans.
Bob: Oh.
And now we will just skip the next part, which is very incoherent.
(The thirteen [foreshadowin, p'raps?] sprites all stand together. Dot is trying to figure out where to put people)
Dot: Okay... Bob's car can fit four. We've already got Bob, Enzo,
Matrix: Me.
Dot: ...and me. We need one more person.
(Mike, Hack, and Slash all raise their hands, yelling "OO! OO! PICK ME!")
Dot: I'll pick... um...
Matrix: I'll pick AndrAIa.
AndrAIa: *nudges Mouse* I told you I'd be picked.
Mouse: Whutevah, sugah.
Dot: The rest can go in the minivan. You can pick who drives.
(Moments later....)
Dot: All right, Bob, let's go!
Bob: Okay! Let's start it up! *looks over his shoulder* You guys ready?
(In the minivan. Mouse is driving, Ray is in shotgun. Hex, Mike, and Scuzzy (where did HE come from?) are in the second row of seats, and Enzo and Phong are in the third row. Hack, Slash, and Frisket are nowhere to be seen, although we do hear crunching sounds)
Mouse: We're ready sugah!
(Bob's Car. I'll refer to this as Car from now on)
Bob: Where's the two bots?
(Minivan)
Enzo: I put them in the back with Frisket!
(Cut to the waaaaay back. Frisket is chewing on H & S, who are piles of junk now.
Hack: This hurts!
Slash: Ooo, very much yes.
(Back to the front view)
Mouse: I thought they were on our side now!
Enzo: Oh really? C'mon Frisket, sit in the middle!
(Frisket hops inbetween Enzo and Phong)
Hack: Can you put us back together?
Phong: As the wise sprite would say, "No."
And so, the two vehicles make it into the Web, the gateway to Dot's grandparents. How they drove into a portal, or even found a portal, is not important. Just go with me.
(Cut to the Web. Ooh. Spooky. Bob's Car has a canopy now, and the minivan looks the same)
Bob: Well, this is going well.
Dot: Bob, you just jinxed it.
Bob: No, I haven't. Nothing bad will happen to me! That's just stupid.
(A bit later....)
Bob: See? Nothing bad!
(Cut to the exterior. The car looks the same, but the minivan is slowly being eaten by a web creature)
Web creature: GROWL!
(Minivan)
All except Hex: AAAA!
Hex: Ooh! Can I keep him as a pet?
Ray: While you blokes start screaming like a banshee, I'm going to take care of him.
(Ray puts on his web suit, and goes out the door. This depressurizes the car, so everyone starts moving towards the open door from the suction)
Ray: Oh. Sorry. *hits button labeled "PRESSURIZER". Shuts door*
(Ray gets his Surf Baud from the roof rack, and gets on)
Ray: Let's get ready... thing.
(Moments later)
Ray: GAAAA!
(Ray opens the door hurriedly and gets in. He locks it, and then hides beneath his seat)
Mouse: You sure are the hero, huh?
Ray: SSSHHHHH!
(Car)
AndrAIa: Um, guys, you do realize the minivan is being destroyed by a web creature, right?
Bob: No. *he goes back to driving*
AndrAIa: Sparky?
Matrix: I'll take care of him. *he gets out Gun and opens the window. He fires at the Web creature*
(The creature stops chewing on the minivan after getting hit. It then explodes in a firey ball of fireworks, one even making a smiley face)
All: OOO! AAA!
Milliseconds... or is it microseconds? Erm... LATER....
Dot: I hope my Grandpop made waffles. I love waffles.
Bob: Really?
Dot: Um... no.
Bob: Oooooooo-kay then!
(This is ridiculous. To the minivan)
Phong: The damage does not look too serious. All that seems to be damaged is the back roof, which is punctured in.
Ray: That shouldn't cost too much.
(Suddenly, a binome in suspenders and a red bow tie and a checkered shirt jumps in the picture)
Binome: HI! I'M TED FROM THE AFOREMENTION TED'S MINI-MART O' MINI-VANS! WELL, RAY TRACER, WHEN YOU SAID, *extremely bad accent* "THAT SHOULD COST TOO MUCH" YOU WERE WRONG! HERE, IT'LL COST YOU $15,000 IF A LIGHT BURNS OUT! $9,000 FOR AN OIL CHANGE! AND GAS IS $5,000.9 A GALLON!
Mouse: How do you get any customers?
Ted: Frankly, I have no idea. *loud again* SO, RAY, I RESTATE, YOU-
Hex: *warming up her hands* Should I?
Ray: Be my guest.
(Hex fires energy at Ted. Ted goes flying out the window into the Web)
Ted: *growing fainter* Well, just remember to come to Ted' Mini-Mart o' Mini-Vans where you can get a good price all the time! And spark plugs are only-
(Thankfully, a web creature chomps him up in mid-sentence)
(Car)
Dot: Well, I guess we can keep the minivan, then.
This is getting pathetic. Let's just say they are on a country road, in the system, heading for the cabin in which Dot's grandparents reside. Let me also just tell you that you missed Mike's COMMERCIALIZER 6,000,000 and that he was put on top of the roof. Thanks.
(Car. Bob is playing license plate bingo with Matrix. AndrAIa is looking out the window, bored. Dot is driving now)
Bob: There goes one... no wait, it doesn't have a license plate.
Matrix: Bob, I haven't got even one square filled!
Bob: Oh that's right! There are no license plates!
Matrix: Oh.
Bob: We could play the other bingo, where you look for trees or signs.
AndrAIa: All we've seen is grass, grass, two cows, and- why are you writing this down?
Bob: So we know what to put on our cards. Okay, that's grass, and a cow-
(Minivan. Enzo has moved up to sit next to Hexadecimal. They are playing catch with Scuzzy. Other than that, everything is fine)
Ray: I wonder how much longer we'll have to wait.
Mouse: Prolly until the author gits so annoyed frum writin' out mah accent.
Ray: Good point, luv.
Phong: Do we have any more cocoa?
Ray: You've already had 12 cups, Phong!
Phong: So? You deny me cocoa, aboriginal dude?
Ray: *whispering to Mouse* Throw the rest out the window.
Phong: I HEARD THAT! NOW YOU SHALL FACE MY-
Mouse: Phong, if ya don't stop, we're gonna put you on the roof with Mike.
(Phong shudders and sits back in his seat. His eyes start darting around)
Ray: That went well.
(Car)
Dot: Hey! See that small, indistinguishable brown dot in the distance?
Bob: Yeah! I'm gonna write that down on my card!
Matrix: No! I'm going to write it down first!
(The two scribble madly)
AndrAIa: What is it Dot?
Dot: That's my grandpop's cabin!
(Matrix and Bob stop scribbling and cheer)
Matrix and Bob: YAY! WE'RE FINALLY THERE! YIPPEE!
Dot: Uh... yeah.
(Exterior view. The two cars slowly approach the dot, which gets bigger and bigger and bigger, until it's really easy to tell it is not a cabin, but something else)
Dot: What in the Net?
(Suddenly, a big sign comes into view)
Matrix and Bob: *reading very slowly* Foo-future sight uf-of Megabyte-no-
AndrAIa: *sounding aggravated* Future site of Megamall Incorporated's Megamall CLXXI.
Dot: Where's my grandpop and grandma?
(The car drives by two old green sprites, then stops and backs up)
Dot: Grandpop! Grandma!
Grandpop: Hey, Dottie! How's my little sweet thing?
Grandma: I baked yeh some cookies!
Dot: Um... great. Say hello to Enzo!
(Matrix steps out. The old couple starts backing away)
Matrix: Hi Grandma! Hi Grandpop!
Grandpop: Is that you, sonny boy?
Dot: Yes. He got older from game-hopping.
Grandma: Oh.
Dot: But we still have little Enz-
(Dot is cut short by Enzo busting out of the minivan door and running like a crazed idiot toward Grandpop and Grandma)
Enzo:
GRANDPOPGRANDMAwowihaventseenyouinhowlongisitlikeforevericantrememberthelast
timeisawyouyouarethecoolestwowowowowaooghaheatkorn!
Dot: Um... great.
Grandma: There's two of you? This is going to be strange on our taxes.
Dot: Where's your cabin?
Grandpop: We got shoved out of our house... by some Megamall people. They destroyed our cabin.
Dot: This Megamall.... they're evil.
Bob: I've got to stop them!
(Suddenly, a voice rings out)
Mysterious Voice: I AM THE PRESIDENT OF MEGAMALL INCORPORATED!
Bob: Oh no! It's the most horrid person ever to be seen by sprites!
Dot: Not that! Not you! It's- It's-
Matrix: Daemon?
Mysterious Voice: No you idiot! (He steps out into the light) I AM WILLIAM GATES THE III!
All: NOOOOOOOOO!
(Ted pops up)
Ted: HI! ME AGAIN! YES, IT SEEMS THE EVIL BILL GATES IS BEHIND THIS WHOLE THING! YOU KNOW, THIS REMINDS ME...... YOU GET %0.004 PERCENT OFF ALL CHANGES OF SPARK PLUGS AT TED'S MINIMALL O' MINIVANS RIGHT NOW! ALSO,
(Ted is flicked off the screen by a large finger. Cut to Rod Serling)
Rod Serling: Yes. Bill Gates. The most horrid man ever to wield a computer was behind this all. You may be wondering, what happens to Bob, Dot, and the others. Let us just say they are defeated, and Bill Gates conquers Daemon and rules the Net. And Web. And every other computer thing. So, the next time you see Bill Gates, whether in person, or on the TV, just remember this sad episode which could only have occured in.... THE ZONE WHERE NORMAL THINGS DON'T HAPPEN VERY OFTEN.
(Fade to black)